FUTURE BARTENDERZ: Chester Cheetah, Macramé, Brian Eno, Chardonnay: Selected Songs 2020-21: CS

Jan 05, 2022

This tape sounded so inaudibly putrid that I initially suspected it was recorded on vaguely magnetized toilet paper. I found this unfortunate, as the first song—what I could hear of it—was really cool. It sounded like if Julian Leal were playing in a sealed bank vault three blocks away. And did he mention… Galena? The second song seemed like cheeky synthpunk, which was an odd juxtaposition, but I figured I had my review already written (“tunes = yay, sound = boo”) and started doing housework. When I walked back into the living room, it sounded like the world’s gimpiest karaoke version of “Enola Gay.” I shrugged it off, rolled my eyes, and went on with my chores. When I walked back within earshot (which wasn’t easy to do, given the crap-ola fidelity), the band was clearly doing a parody of Minor Threat’s “Out of Step,” and I was like okay, waaaaiiiit a fuckin’ minute here, what IS this shit??? Turns out this thirty-two-song effusion of genius is the product of the right loony Brian Costello, of Hozac Records/Horizontal Action fame, albeit exhibiting a slightly more Weird Al-ish bent than I’d ever given him credit for. Word to your mother, songs like the Thin Lizzy-esque “The Dudes Have Returned to the Place We Call Home” are straight-up brilliant… but… there’s no fucking way anyone can sit through ninety minutes of a tape that sounds this bad. Please release this on reel tape so the kids can get their wild freak on the right way! BEST SONG: “Payment Status Unavailable.” BEST SONG TITLE: “Thinking I’d Like to Get Hip to All the Nature Shit around Here.” FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: “Orlando’s Bad Boys.” –Rev. Nørb (Godless America, godless-america.com)