Thanks to Spanish artist Felix Rodriguez Fernandez aka Mr Zé for the above illustration. More of this series and other pieces can be found at www.mrzethecreator.com/
The curve succumbs; Boris is bed-ridden; Lockdown Battle Points Rules and Regulations
Spain: 146,690 cases
Asturias: 1,705 cases
The big news this week is that British Prime Minister Boris Johnson almost died, which kind of feels like the predictable next plot point in this hackneyed B-movie of a reality we’re living through. But let’s pretend it’s 2012ish and arrange our faces into looks of stunned surprise.
Boris’s almost demise elicits mixed feelings among right thinking people, i.e. me and people who think like me. As always, the competitively obnoxious/edgelord elements of the left made their predictably edgy comments. I get it: he’s a self-serving opportunist happy to use schoolboy racism and shallow nationalism to advance his own ends even while he holds those to which it appeals in undisguised contempt. He’s a prat, a clown, a relic of an antiquated British elitism incompatible with purported modern moral values but which will, most gallingly of all, keep him firmly on the “failing upwards” social trajectory for the rest of his life regardless of actual merit. Oddly in fact, this virus is one of the few things, to a greater or lesser extent, he can’t buy, bully, or bumble his way out of with a couple of phone calls to some fellow Bullingdon Club alumni. It really doesn’t discriminate this virus thing, although come to think of it he did get a test.
But while I’d trade a hundred immigrant NHS nurses for one Boris, he is so far the only victim of this disease I can really put a voice, a face, and a personality to, and knowing someone counts. He’s a bad man, an asshole, but he’s not evil. He’s just doing the only thing he was ever raised to do. Also his wife’s pregnant. I won’t clap for him, pray for him, or write weepy fawning newspaper headlines for him while useful and innocent people are dying, alone, in their hundreds. I want him to quit, to disappear from public life and somehow experience just a fraction of the hardship his policies inflict on underserving victims, but die? Nah. He at least has the decency to add a layer of sheepish pseudo-modesty to his privilege, unlike Donald Trump who is a fascist in spirit and soul; it’s in his bones, he doesn’t even know he is but he is. It’s his essence. I want Trump to die.
Anyway the good news in Spain is that the curve is beginning to relent. It’s not going quietly though; despite an overall plateauing/decline over the last week or so it’s decided to sneak in a few spikes in numbers, and every optimistic comment in every paper remains qualified by a word of caution. Spain’s far from being out of the woods, there’s many more losses to come, it’s beaten, bruised, and fiscally fucked but it’s past half way and there’s even been the odd article about The After Times and possible relaxations of the Estado de Alarma.
So how will this change Spain? Well you’ll have to wait a couple of days because right now there’s more pressing issues to address, like turning frustration and suffering into a competitive sport which helps no one and contributes nothing to anything. Please see below the aforementioned (see Dispatch 7) Lockdown Battle Points score system, as devised by me just now. Get your calculators ready because if you thought your tax return was a convoluted bore this will really twist your nut.
THE OFFICIAL CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN BATTLE POINTS RULES AND REGULATIONS 2020
The OCLBP adjudicators reserve the right to alter, add to, subtract from, or otherwise change the rules and regulations at any time during the time period collectively known as the “quarantine,” defined in this case as the legal requirement to remain in one’s primary dwelling except for specifically referred-to exemptions as stated by one’s relevant national/regional/local authority. Where time served and circumstances are unclear or incalculable an educated and fair estimation should be made based on one’s own knowledge and, where possible, the assistance of a witness/witnesses.
TIME SERVED POINTS
Quarantine with access to outside essential services: +40 points/day
Quarantine with access to outside essential services and outdoor exercise: + 30 points/day
TIME SERVED BONUS POINTS
Quarantine for two weeks with continued exposure/risk of infection: +3 bonus points/day after 14th day until and including 28th dayQuarantine for four weeks with continued exposure/risk of infection: +5 bonus points/day after 28th days
Quarantine for two weeks with zero or near zero exposure/risk of infection: +1 point/day after 14th day
Quarantine for four weeks with zero or near zero exposure/risk of infection: +3 points/day
LUXURY FACULTIES POINT DEDUCTION
Points deducted from overallpoints earned, not according to time in quarantine.
With provable COVID-19 immunity: -100 points
In a dwelling with more than one floor/storey: -40 points
In a dwelling with a spare bedroom: -40 points
With balcony (non-patio size): -40 points
With balcony (patio size): -60 points
With garden: – 100 points
With access to countryside or beach: -150 points
With dog: -40 points
With cat: -20 points
With Netflix subscription: -10
With Amazon Prime subscription: -10
With HBO subscription: -10 points
With Hulu subscription: -10 points
Access to BBC iPlayer: -10 points
HARDSHIP BONUS POINTS
No subscription to any streaming channel: +40 points
No internet access: +100 points
Living with an infected person: +200 points
In a dwelling with minors aged less than 10 years: +20 points/child
In a dwelling with minors aged 10–18 years: +10 points/child
The following contributing factors, whilst acknowledged by the Lockdown Battle Point adjudicators as major contributing factors to one’s overall quarantine experience, have been deemed too subjectively experienced to be either positive or negative contributing factors.
Quarantine with friends
Self-isolation measures, specifically levels of assistance or lack of in achievement
Quarantine with parents/relatives
Quarantine with girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse/significant other
Live stream of the week goes to Specialist Subject’s Tuesday Distant Together 4 show.
¡Solidaridad para siempre!
John Miskelly lives in Asturias, Spain. He is 34 years old and is symptom free.