URINALS, THE: What Is Real and What Is Not: CD

Dec 01, 2009

Okay, maybe i AM a hapless churl whose mental, emotional and social growth permanently stalled at age 16, and maybe i DO live in the past, and maybe i DIDN’T “get it” the right way back in The Day since the only Urinals songs i was familiar with for quite some time were “Sex,” “Go Away Girl,” “She’s a Drone,” and “Salmonella,” but i am kind of going to have to state here for the record that i do not recognize this as a bona fide Urinals release, but, instead, consider this a continuation of the 100 Flowers project the Urinals magically turned themselves into way back when. I mean, i’m from Wisconsin, explain this s-l-o-w-l-y to me: In 1982, you guys were too un-punk and artsy and textured and brilliant and so on to be constrained to the “self-imposed aesthetic definition” of the Urinals, so you had to be 100 Flowers instead – but now, hmm, hey, shucky-darn, THAT OL’ URINAL AIN’T LOOKIN’ SO BAD NOW, IS IT??? Dude, sorry to point this out in front of God and everyone, but IT’S A TOTAL FRIGGIN’ SCAM, MAN! You guys were either A. Fibbin’ poseur scoundrels when you changed your name to “100 Flowers” owing to your self-professed outgrowing of Urinalism 20 years ago, or B. Fibbin’ poseur scoundrels when you released a reunion (or whatever this is) album as The Urinals when the music is not so Urinals-specific that it is unquestionably better represented as being Urinals music than 100 Flowers music. It doesn’t matter which one you choose, either A or B is certainly true, and if EITHER A OR B is true – and either A or B is – then you guys have put paid/laid waste to the HIGHFALUTIN’ ARTEESTIC INTEGRITY upon which your collective pedestal is grounded (anybody waiting for a “well, you can take the Urinal out of the boy, but you can’t take the boy out of the urinal” crack should be advised that i’ve been making that joke for over 20 years now). Of course, had the band merely regurgitated fifteen different permutations of “Sex” and “Go Away Girl,” i’d more than likely be happier than a pig in shit (add in a bonus track of that 45’s b-side – a slowly descending allotment of calibration tones seemingly good for no other purposes than to tune one’s smoke alarm to – and i’m yours to keep!), so adjust for my myopia accordingly (the album is actually more or less like a lot of those records SST was putting out right around the time the Urinals became 100 Flowers – too pointlessly artsy to be of much real lasting benefit, but leaving enough of a breadcrumb trail no one stayed hopelessly lost forever). All i know is that in THIS overgrown 16-year-old’s brain, a urinal is always gonna be a place you throw a cigarette butt into, not a reference to Duchamp. BEST SONG: “I Make Love to Every Woman on the Freeway” or “Typical Tzar” BEST SONG TITLE: “I Make Love to Every Woman on the Freeway” or “Typical Tzar” FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: Thanks list includes Joseph Pope of Angst, who, as a buyer for Systematic in the ‘80s, purchased $350 of Suburban Mutilation albums from me i was never paid for.

 –todd (Warning Label)

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