TSAR: Straight b/w The Creature In Disguise: 7"

Jun 04, 2008

Dear Dale Meiners wannabes: No. You are NOT “Glam.” I know this because i LIKE “Glam.” “Glam” is what happened in England in 1973. “Glam” is Sweet and Slade and Mud and T. Rex and the relevant portions of Bowie and Gary Glitter and Alvin the fuck Stardust. “Glam” is not some dork rock band that puts on a silver shirt and star-shaped sunglasses (or whatever it is that you do) and stencils their names on their amplifiers’ grille cloth (or whatever it is that you do) and adopts some manner of fey posture (or whatever it is that you do) and thinks that constitutes the be-all and end-all of their Glamitude. Sure, you can don some Glamular trifles and inject your rock with some manner of neo-Glamistic veneer, but can you produce a half-dozen boys in matching French cut t-shirts dancing with each other on stage while you lip-synch your way thru “Tiger Feet?” Can you punctuate every snare hit of “My Coo Ca Choo” with a studded leather punch thrown directly at the camera lens (later to be ripped off lock stock ‘n’ barrel by no less a musickal loominary than Billy Idol)? Can you rip thru “Blockbuster” with a World War I German army helmet tilted precariously on your cranium? DAMMIT, MAN! I am not one of the measly Glam-haters you generally deal with, to whom your self-professed Glamness is some matter of grave import! I am a Glam-LIKER, to whom your weak and unimpressive overtures at Glamism come across as properly weak and unimpressive! DAMMIT A SECOND TIME, MAN! When i hear “Glam” i wanna hear some Chapman and Chinn!!! Some Glitter and Leander!!! Some Noddy and Holder!!! For Christ’s sakes, even some Alice and some Cooper would be acceptable!!! But YOU... you’re nothing more than... than... than the Floorlords’ “Electrified Wet Mud Wall” single! If you worthless pukes would like to see how to do what it is you’re so blatantly incapable of doing, please consult the Lee Harvey Oswald Band section of your local prerecorded music emporium! I bet goddamn Marc Bolan never wore a pair of pants so baggy people could see the waistband of his underwear! GLAM RULES! TSAR TSUCKS! BEST SONG: “Straight” BEST SONG TITLE: n/a FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: Band’s big shot press release, to underscore the fact that they are, in fact, big shots, and do everything with an eyeball on quality, spells band leader Jeff Whalen’s last name as “Waylon.” OOOOH, I’M SO FUCKING IMPRESSED!!! Fuck off. Die. LESS CONTENTIOUS FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: “Tsar,” “Czar,” and “Kaiser” are all derived from the Roman title of “Caesar.” 

 –norb (Birdman)