This record is pretty much useless. It won’t change the fact that the guy I have a crush on doesn’t have a crush on me. But when I listen to “Make Like a Tree and Fuck Off,” I realize that he won’t ever call me a stupid cunt, either. It won’t fix my leaky toilet but “Shit Your Pants (A Rock Opera)” makes one’s trousers seem like a viable, and even cool, alternative. It won’t cure my homesickness. But “Get Your Gentrification out of My Aburguesamiento” reminds me of the time “Slayer” a.k.a. Tiltwheel got banned from Scolari’s in San Diego. It’s now The Office, a better-smelling haven for the shiny-shirted where the sweet sound of distortion rings no more. So maybe what I am homesick for might not be there when I get back. But San Diego folks being San Diego folks, they’ll come up with something even cooler. This record won’t stop the United States from increasingly accumulating the features of a developing country but “Teach Your Children Hell” is the perfect answer to people who lament that punk has become too much about partying. Rather than attacking the politics that will become stale, it goes after the roots of why politics suck. I guess I really don’t have anything to complain about. I didn’t even pay for this record. I downloaded it from some site in Chile where “Talkin’ About Eating Pussy and Drinking a Bucket Full of Cum in a Town Full of Pig Pens” is translated as “Hablando de Comer el Coño y Beber un Cubo Lleno de Semen en un Pueblo Lleno de Plumas de Cerdo”But when the day comes that I am reunited with my record player, I’ll certainly snap up the burrito-swirl colored-vinyl version. ‘Cause all the songs are pertylike and magic poetry.
–Lisa Weiss (ADD)