Dear Miss Namella,
Can we crash at your place tonight? Please. Pretty, pretty please? We didn’t make enough money to rent out a room and gas is expensive these days. I know we just met but we really just want a place to sleep and shower. We promise to behave. Come on.
Anticipating a “yes”,
TOURING AND DESPERATE
Dear TOURING AND DESPERATE,
My answer to all touring bands is always a resounding “yes”. However, I have to lay down some universal conditional rights on behalf of all humanity that harbor the tired, hungry, and poor of the band world…
RULE 1: NEVER PLAY WITH THE GAS OVEN OR ANY EXPLOSIVE MATERIALS INSIDE THE HOUSE
Although I never personally saw this occurring inside my domicile, I have heard the stories of bored, drunk band members igniting some sort of combustible inside the poor, hapless homeowner or renter’s place. Common sense dictates that place on fire=never able to stay there again. Let’s remember the odd adage: Don’t burn your bridges—or your crash pad.
RULE 2: NEVER FUCK IN YOUR GUEST’S HOME UNLESS THEY CONSENT TO FUCKING OR ARE GETTING FUCKED THEMSELVES
Nothing ruins a good night of jolly partying than when band member X goes for the gusto without announcement. Make sure it’s not the dude’s girlfriend you’re fucking if you’re staying at his house. It’s always in bad form to slide into another team’s home base.
RULE 3: APPRECIATE THE HOSPITATLITY
There’s nothing more infuriating than having a band stay at your house to discover that they have used all your deep conditioner, toothpaste, toilet paper, health food store cereal and accompanying milk, etc. Always ask if you notice that they are running dangerously low. Always use “yes,” “please,” and “thank you.” Believe it or not, people really appreciate simple words of consideration.
RULE 4: IF THE NEIGHBORS COMPLAIN, PIPE DOWN
Because you know the next step is the said neighbor calling the police and everyone has to make a beeline to dump the coke and weed down the fucken toilet. There goes your touring lunch money for the next seven days, fag.
RULE 5: CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF
Fold all blankets, pick up all used condoms and wrappers (see RULE 2), ditto for all food trash, throw all liquor bottles and cans in the recycling or trash, and for Christ’s sake, if you stay at a girl’s place, NEVER LEAVE THE TOILET SEAT UP!
RULE 6: GRATITUDE
It’s always great when bands say their thanks on their album, tour diary, or myspace page and include every place and person that let them crash. Some bands will go all out and leave albums and t-shirts behind at their host’s place—now that’s class.
Happy touring people, and try to take these considerations to heart. We adore the fact that a band we’re really into stays at our humble abode but nothing is more disheartening in life than discovering that they are just a bunch of assholes.
As always, if you have any questions, comments, concerns, cocktail recipes, or designer drug connections, please email them to: [email protected]
Happy partying and other crap, now get outta my way!