Sports Are Punk and Bud Light Lime Isn’t: January 2012

I’m going to start off by contradicting myself. Sports aren’t punk. Then again, nothing is punk. My Converse shoes aren’t punk. My record player isn’t punk. The fact that I sometimes drink before work isn’t punk, either. Saying anything is punk or isn’t punk, in my opinion, is really stupid. “Dude, your new haircut is SOOO punk!” Actually, I haven’t cut my hair in two years. Anyway, the reason the title of this column is what it is, is because of something that was mentioned in an issue of Razorcake earlier this year. A columnist, who will remain unnamed, apparently said that he can’t be friends on Facebook with certain other columnists because they like sports. More specifically, the columnists in question were at fault because they were into fantasy sports. Now, while I do think fantasy sports are pointless (disregarding the fact that you can usually win money), it is hardly a reason to not be friends with someone. I did try my hand at fantasy football a couple times but hardly ever made any moves regarding my team, so I quit doing it.

Being “friends” with someone on facebook isn’t exactly the same as being friends with someone in reality. Whether or not it’s in the cyber capacity, you really shouldn’t pick and choose your friends based on whether or not they like sports. I like sports, but also have friends who could care less about them. We’re still friends.

Moving on, it was also said that “sports aren’t punk.” So that’s where we’re at now? Everything has to be broken down into one of two categories: PUNK and NOT PUNK. Does everything really have to be classified in such an anal way? Apparently so. I like shit because I like it and not because it’ll go over well with “the punx” and earn me so-called “punk points.” If everything I did was deemed PUNK or NOT PUNK, I wouldn’t be very punk. So I guess I’m not punk. WHATEVER. On to the point of this whole thing. I’m not going to so much explain why sports are punk, as I am going to compare sports to the punk world. And then, you the reader, can decide whether or not sports are or aren’t punk. Enjoy!

I’m going to mention a few things about sports that aren’t so cool, before everyone jumps on my case about it. First, all the people on a team have to wear the same thing. It’s called a uniform. Now, while a uniform serves its purpose in a game (you know who’s on which team), it’s not very cool to be told what to wear. If it were, a lot more people would be in the military. Second, professional athletes are employees of their respective owners. Sure, they get paid. A lot. But it does suck to be the property of another person. There’s also the reality that at any point in time you could be traded off to another team,  unless you have a no-trade clause in your contract. But that’s getting too complicated for this column. And having a job isn’t too punk, right? But playing a game for lots of money isn’t that bad of a job. There are other points that could be brought up here—pros and cons of sports—but I’m not gonna bore you to death. Just trying to prove a point.

That being said, I will now mention some of the cooler aspects of sports and how they compare to PUNK. You’re never sure what the outcome of any sporting event will be. Just like a great set performed by a punk band, anything can happen. A sudden turn of events is always exciting. The same old, same old gets boring after a while. Of course, if the game is fixed then the outcome is artificial. This doesn’t happen often, so it’s not something to really worry about. It does suck, but it’s uncommon.

Speaking of gambling, betting on sports is fun. I’m not a big gambler, but I’ve occasionally put twenty bucks on a game. You definitely pay more attention that way. It’s not necessary, but it does make it more fun. Unless your team loses. That sucks.

Another aspect that’s relatable is most sporting events get sweaty and dirty. Just like a rad basement show, it’s pretty cool when people are rolling around on the ground and bumping into each other. It makes for a little chaos. “Good, clean fun” isn’t really that much fun at all. On the other hand, watching a game on TV or listening to a game on the radio is a lot of fun. It’s even more fun to do while drinking. I enjoy listening to a baseball game as much as I do a record. Really, I do.

And going to a game live is even better. Sure it’s expensive, but being there is way more fun than sitting at home listening to it or watching it. This is very comparable to seeing a punk show. Wouldn’t you rather watch a band live than listen to their record? ALWAYS! Just like bands coming to your town on tour, sports teams travel, too. If your favorite hockey or football player is on a team that’s not playing home games in your city, you have to wait until his team comes to town. Then you go watch him live. Just like waiting for the next time Toys That Kill goes on tour somewhere near where you live. And if you can’t wait, or you live in a very small town where nothing happens, you can go out of town to watch a game. Who hasn’t made a road trip to see a show? Same thing. So grab some beer and go to a game already. You would do the same thing for your favorite band.

The last thing I will mention, and it’s a big one, is the fact that you can play sports all by yourself. Just like music. Similar to jamming on your guitar, you can go down to the local court and shoot some hoops. A little alone time with a hockey stick and puck at the park is no different than rocking out on your drum kit. And if you have a couple other friends who feel the same way, then you can play a game. Kinda like forming a band, you can form a team. It’s just about having a good time. But like I said earlier, if you don’t like sports, whatever. No big deal. But the basic concepts involved aren’t much different than that of the punk scene.

Moving on to the second part of this column. Over the last year or two, I’ve been noticing certain individuals drinking Bud Light Lime. I’m again not gonna name names, but let’s just say three of these individuals are in bands. Two live in Minneapolis and one lives in Cincinnati. Keep your eyes peeled. I’ve tried to explain to these dudes my side of this. They don’t get it. I am a little biased because I live in Saint Louis. The home of Anheuser-Busch. Well, now it’s called INBEV or some shit.

Here, even regular old Bud Light is perceived as a beer for frat boys. On the national scene, it’s THE BEER. But seriously, light beer sucks. Except for Michelob Light. That’s pretty good shit. Drink a fucking Budweiser already, you pussies. As if Bud Light wasn’t bad enough, some morons down at the brewery decided to flavor it with lime. I guess they’re trying to tap into the Corona market or something. No pun intended. I’ve tasted one. My dad bought some when they first hit the shelves. I still don’t let him live that one down. If you haven’t had this shit, don’t. Take my word for it. It’s GROSS. Lime anything isn’t really a good idea. Lime-flavored tortilla chips are really gross. I don’t know why anyone would seriously wanna drink a light beer that is also lime-flavored. My mind is boggled. That’s about all I’ve got to say on this. If anything is or isn’t punk, Bud Light Lime most certainly IS NOT PUNK. If you see anyone drinking this crap, just assume their taste in every other aspect of life sucks.