RETURNERS, THE: The Wag b/w Motorheartbeat: 7”

The A-side sounds like the Weirdos after suffering blunt force trauma to the head and waking up convinced they were A. Supercharger and B. German; the flip sounds like one of those songs off The Armitage Shanks Sing and Play Twenty Punk Hits of the Seventies that you never heard before and turned out to be a cover by the Users or the Killjoys or the Kusers or the Illjoys or someone like that (but is, in fact, another original). High praise aside, i have a bit of a problem with “The Wag,” as one of my all-time favorite genres of music is moronic three-chord rock’n’roll that ushers in A NEW FANTASTIC AMAZING ERA of wacky dancing (The Twist, The Hucklebuck, The Uganda – hell, i can do ‘em all at once!), yet i am COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY bereft of any idea how to do The Wag. I mean, one would assume it involves some manner of “wagging” – or, at bare minimum, “waggling” – yet, the dance i spontaneously flung myself into body’n’soul within seconds of this record hitting my turntable was conspicuous by the complete absence of either wagging OR waggling (hmm… perhaps this is a dance best performed sans pantaloons?). How MY personal interpretive interpretation of The Wag goes is like this: 1) Kinda stand there and twist over to the left, in sort of a demi-contraposto posture (yes, that’s right, i said “demi-contraposto!” I’d tell you to look it up, but it’s not in the dictionary) (at present) 2) Raise left arm up, as if flexing muscle to impress chicas 3) Raise right arm up in opposite position – that is to say, with the forearm pointing downward. However, keep your right fist pointed away from your body, kind of like Bowser from Sha Na Na would do 4) As the beat goes “BUP-BUP! BUP! BUP-BUP! BUP!”, jerkily jab left fist up and back with each beat, as if to repeatedly punch a small, invisible otter off of the top of your head, whilst simultaneously punching your right fist out and up behind you, as if to repeatedly smack an invisible potential sodomist in the nutsack. 5) On chord changes, twist in the other direction, and reverse the position of your arms relative to each other. 6) Iterate the operation at the dance down 14th Street, ya hear?! Should these instructions prove faulty after inspection, all i have to say in my defense is that (ahem) i’m into punk rock, and i throw like a Wag. Thanks, i’ll be here all week. BEST SONG: “The Wag! “The Wag! Thuhhhhh WAAAAAAAGGGGGG!!!” BEST SONG TITLE: “Motorheartbeat” FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: The band thanks “slime” on their thank you list!

 –norb (Swindlebra)