PANSY DIVISION: The Essential Pansy Division: CD

Aug 01, 2006

Are you like me? Were you thinking this disc was just gonna be “Two Way Ass?” Okay, seriously… Pansy Division were some of my favorite (metaphorical!) whipping boys in the ‘90s, and i don’t completely remember what the crux of the beef was, but i know it had something to do with them “not rocking.” It was just like they would go out on stage and be like “Oh my god, WE’RE GAY!” and people were like “OH MY GOD, THEY’RE GAY!!! THIS IS THE CRAZIEST, MOST OUTRAGEOUS THING EVER!!!” I dunno. I didn’t get it. Why is their being gay so fucking amazing??? Like, what, no one’s ever seen a gay dude before? What the fuck are they, martians? It just seemed to me that they skated on a bunch of stuff (like their cover of the Undertones “Male Model”—my band at the time had covered [and released] said song, and we always had problems getting the four measures at the end right [NeeNeeNuhNuhNuhNuhNahNah, DeeDeeNuhNuhNuhNuhNahNah, ReeNeeNuhNuhNuhNuhNahNah, DeeDeeDoDoDuhDuhDahDuh DUNT! …that part]. So this Undertones tribute album comes out, and, no, my band isn’t on it, but here’s Pansy Division doing our Undertones song, “Male Model!” We get the record and we put it on to hear how Pansy Division do that last four measures, because, if they really nail it, we’re gonna be totally humiliated that we got our asses kicked at an Undertones song by friggin’ Pansy Division, and it gets to the last four measures, and they just end the song cold—without ever even ATTEMPTING to play the hard part of the song! It was just like why bother attempting something challenging? Let’s just go “WE’RE GAY!” [“OH MY GAWD!!! THEY’RE GAY!!! THIS IS THE BEST UNDERTONES COVER EVER!!!”]). I’m sorry, but if mediocre pop punk about boys having sex with boys constitutes an unbelievably radical throttling of your pre-existing world views, you gotta get OUT more, friend (hey, i said “out!”). I mean, most of their gay shtick is about one level above fart jokes. It’s like a homosexual Beavis and Butt-head (actually, it isn’t: If Pansy Division were Beavis and Butthead, they’d raise their eyebrows and attempt to make lascivious comments every time somebody said “Butt” or “Head,” so, technically, Pansy Division are actually one brow LOWER than Beavis and Butt-Head. Amazing. Actually, i’m kind of jealous). I mean, what if the Mentors did “Alpine Skiing?” The only thing that would prevent a grand hue and cry from the feminist sector would be them deeming the band “too stupid” to bother with. BUT(T)! THAT SAID! Let the record show that, okay, i never actually sat and down and listened to a whole Pansy Division album before this. And i did not hate it. I kinda liked it, actually. It was oft-times funny and clever, with more trans-fart-joke content than i had historically given their work credit for. I think the problem isn’t so much that they don’t “rock” as that they’re simply not that good at playing pop punk (it’s a cunnilingus thing. You wouldn’t understand)—the non-pop punk songs on here are almost uniformly GREAT (“No Protection” is an excellent dance tune, and the inbred country twang of “He Whipped My Ass In Tennis (Then I Fucked His Ass In Bed)” brings to mind visions of a gay Dr. Frank [wait, are you telling me Dr. Frank is straight?]). And, of course, once i beheld the majesty of the “Bad Boyfriend” video—stuffed animals dancing in front of a record cover (sure, it doesn’t sound funny now, but wait ‘til the horns come in)—i capitulated to their savoir faire. AAAAand then the next video showed dudes with tattoos giving each other head and i was out of there (memo to self: Collect Nob Dylan money from A/T before next lawsuit). BEST SONG: “Luv Luv Luv” BEST SONG TITLE: “He Whipped My Ass In Tennis (Then I Fucked His Ass In Bed)” FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: I think the cutest member is the bass player

 –norb (Alternative Tentacles)