MIGHTY IONS, THE: Face Rakin: LP

As you may not know nor care, before the cable-abetted globalization of pro wrestling really took hold in the mid ’80s, rasslin’ was a regionalized phenomenon: The Northeast had the WWF, the Upper Midwest and Rockies had the AWA, the NWA was in the south, and whatever federation was in place where you lived, that was who ya saw on TV and at the matches. I mention that only because Mighty Ions, The, were a wrasslin’-themed band who ran the squared circle o’ rawk with an iron fist from ’80-’82, which would be great, except, being as how they’re from Boston and all, they’re WWF guys, and i’m an AWA guy. This means that they’re all Pedro Morales and Greg Valentine and Freddie Blassie and the Grand Wizard and Bob Backlund and the annoying legacy of Bruno Sammartino and the night Jimmy Snuka missed the headbutt from the top of the cage at Madison Square Garden, and i’m all Crusher and Baron Von Raschke and Mad Dog Vachon and Bobby Heenan and Nick Bockwinkel and the annoying legacy of Verne Gagne and the night they smashed “Rock ‘n’ Roll” Buck Zumhoff’s boombox. Therefore, even though this band is roughly from the period when my interest in rasslin’ was at its friggin’ zenith (in case you’re wondering, yes, breathe easy, i agree that wrestling fucking BLOWS these days and i haven’t been to anything other than a local card where one of my friends was involved in ten years), we actually have very little in common; further, as an AWA guy, i don’t even know if i should be rooting for a band composed of WWF fans. I mean, fuck, they stole Hogan from us, they stole Jesse Ventura from us, they even stole fucking Gene Okerlund from us! Fuck you, Mighty Ions! Enjoy the world you’ve created! …unfortunately, songs like “Say Somethin’ Stupid” are so brilliant even in a non-wrestling context that i have no choice but to submit to this veritable Boston Crab o’ Rock and wonder why there are no submission holds named after my own municipality… (i can also assure the wrestling non-enthusiast that this record holds up as well outside the squared circle as it does on the mat, with the melodic/somewhat tinny punk sound that was Boston’s trademark back then fitting in seamlessly next to your La Peste and Unnatural Axe [who, in fact, begat at least one Ion] reissues and reminding you that, like it or not, Boston emitted the best bands, pound-for-pound, for a good stretch of time back in The Day™). Let the record also show that their reworking of “California über Alles” as “Pedro Morales” is sheerest genius. The Grand Wizard taught them well!  BEST SONG TITLE: “Say Somethin’ Stupid”  BEST SONG: “Say Somethin’ Stupid” or “Don’t Talk to Me”  FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: The Mighty Ions were formed as GG Allin’s backing band back in 1980, and wrote “Don’t Talk to Me,” which is the best song on GG’s first album (this is the SECOND review where i’ve mentioned that album in this issue; one wouldn’t think the damn thing would turn out to be such a friggin’ cultural touchstone). Also, “George ‘The Animal’ Steele” is both misspelled and mis-quotation-marked on the back cover, and the apostrophe on “Somethin'” points the wrong way.

 

 –todd (Alien Snatch)