Me: Okay, got guitars?
Me: Got bass?
Me: Got drums?
Me: Got sunglasses?
Me: Got ties?
Me: Some of them featuring the ever-dynamic “diagonal stripe” pattern?
Band: Mais oui!
Me: Are you standing in front of some sort of grid-type background, such as the tiles of a subway station or underpass, to contrast the mathematical regularity of the grid pattern itself with the imperfections of the physical form it has taken on in its manifestation as a byproduct of mere functional utility?
Band: (whispering) Uhhh… oui?
Me: Got song titles that appear to be composed by writing down a variety of “punk” sounding words – “Brainless” “Selfish” “Kids” “Gimmick” “Phoning” “Pills” “Bored” “Rotten” “Plastic” “Polaroid” – then picking those words randomly out of a hat?
Me: Got inspiration?
Band: … quoi?
Me: You know, “inspiration?” Like, do you do anything but embrace and reflect previously established stylistic conventions?
Band (offended): “Je suis une gimmick!”
Me: Yeah, but can’t you think of a better gimmick than just being punk? I mean, isn’t that sort of a given for a punk band? A default gimmick?
Band: “Nous sommes la haine rose!”
Me: LOOK, DO YOU HAVE A GIMMICK OTHER THAN BEING A GIMMICK PUNK BAND WHO IS PUNK???
Band: “Garcon je danse bien?”
Me: Look, if you want a gimmick, why not sing in French? French is, amazingly, a perfectly good rock singin’ language. It also sounds really freaky, which is good. Plastic Bertrand sang in French, and HE was Belgian!
Band: !!! Quel chien!!! Quel cochon Belgique!!!
Me: I mean, instead of doing something like wearing a diagonally-striped tie ‘cause it looks sort of symbolically hiply jarring, why dontcha do something REALLY hiply jarring for a change, and sing in your native language??? I can assure you that the white male Anglophone mafia who’ve been running Punk Rock since its inception have a lot more interest in hearing French dudes singing punk in French than they do hearing yet more punk rock sung in English. I mean, the only reason we put up with French punks singing in English anyway is because sometimes they say “Moo-zair-foo-kair,” which we love – which you don’t say even say once! So whaddaya say? Can you sing your next album in French? Huh? Can ya? Will ya? Huh? Huh? Huh?
Band: We do not speak the French!!! Moo-zair-foo-kair!!!
BEST SONG: “Bored on Pills” BEST SONG TITLE: “(Killed By) Polaroid Screen” FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: “Fuck the rest of the world, especially you.” –norb (Lollipop)