Halloween Is Fun And You’re Not (Unless You Dress Up): By Nighthawk

Oct 31, 2009

So, you don’t like to dress up for Halloween, huh? Why? Is it ‘cause you don’t like to have fun? Or is it ‘cause you suck? Probably a little bit of both. You know who doesn’t dress up for Halloween? Lamewads, that’s who. I understand if you’re like 70 years old or something and you don’t, but those dinosaurs probably aren’t reading this. You only get so many Halloweens. You might as well take advantage of as many as you can. Nobody lives forever, you know. For all you boring people out there, I’m gonna go over some of the finer points of why dressing up is fun.

First off, you get to not be yourself for a night. I know, everyone always says “be yourself”. I agree, but not 365 days a year! Just 364. Don’t you get tired of everyday being the same person? I know I do. I’m never actually going to be Alex P. Keaton, so I might as well pretend for a night. And it was damn good fun. Halloween, 2000. A friend of mine went as me that year. Kind of lame, but it was funny. And that’s what we’re here for, to have fun right? There’s no need to be serious day in and day out. So, think of someone of something that you’d really like to be but just possibly can’t, and be it. It’s that simple.

Secondly, getting the costume together is probably the most fun of all of it. Sure, you can just buy whatever at the costume shop, but that’s not putting much thought into it. I prefer to “make” the costume. Go to several different stores to pick up items you need. Maybe spray paint is necessary. Maybe you have to have your hair cut a certain way. Maybe you have to grow a mustache or a beard. You really have to get creative with it. Don’t be afraid to alter your personal appearance for one night. It’ll be worth it.

Lastly, you get to make fun of all the squares who don’t dress up. When you’re dressed as The Cable Monster (a fictional character I created) and you tell someone that they suck for not dressing up, what are they gonna have for a comeback? “Cool costume”? Yeah, cool fucking costume. What else ya got? “Way to dress up”? Yeah, way to fucking dress up. They got nothing. You will feel superior to everyone who didn’t bother. They are inferior to you, and you are superior to them. Just kidding. But seriously, you are way cooler than they are on that particular October 31.

Now, I know you might wonder about certain times when you’d think that you wouldn’t dress up. Like, if you’ve gotta work on Halloween or you’ve gotta go to school or something important like that. These situations make it all the more fun to dress up. Work sucks. We all know that. But work is gonna suck way less if you’re dressed as some cartoon character. Or whatever you are. And school, well school IS cool if you dress up for Halloween. Maybe you’re out of town for this great holiday, as I’ve been each of the last 4 years. FEST! Now, a friend of mine was in Brazil last Halloween and said that no one really gets into it down there as we do up here in ‘Merica. So he didn’t dress up. LAME! Impress the locals with your festiveness (surprisingly a word according to the computer). You might even charm the pants off some young lass. He was with his girlfriend, though, so probably not a good idea. Anyway, at the Fest, a lot of people dress up. And a lot of people don’t. I prefer it this way. You see, it can be easily determined who knows how to party based on whether or not they’re dressed up. A lot of the bands dress up too. Which is cool. I’ll admit, the first Fest I went to, 2006, I wasn’t sure what the scene would be. All theses punk rockers in one place and all. I didn’t bring a ‘stume. Me and a friend did take care of this predicament by purchasing fake beards. Two local girls knew instantly what we were going as – guys from Gainesville. It was as easy as that. The year after, I was Terry Schiavo. The locals once again got it. Last year, I was Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force. I even met a Dude who was dressed up as Master Shake. We hung out at various points throughout the weekend. This year I went as Magnum P.I. Way to make use of a mustache I grew for the Saint Louis Cardinals playoff run that lasted three games. Fuck the Dodgers!

So you see, there’s plenty of reason to dress up for Halloween. When you’re like 60 and you look back on your prime, are you gonna be able to list all of the dumb things you went as for Halloween amongst all of the dumb things you did in your youth? Or are you gonna not have too many good stories to tell? You make the decision Bud. I’ve already made mine. Later, Nighthawk.