FAST MATTRESS: Self-Titled: CD

Oh man, you gotta hear this song “Daddy Has a Mullet!” It’s about this girl, right—and she’s, she’s embarrassed to be seen in public with her father, ‘cause he’s got a mullet! A mullet! A mullet is like a really uncool haircut—and her dad’s got one! Aw, man, you get it? You don’t get it? Crap. I didn’t tell it right. This one’s on me. Let me start over. This girl’s dad, right? He’s got a really lame haircut. A mullet! And she has to like, you know, go places with him, and be seen with him—with his mullet! So she’s embarrassed and she wants him to cut it off! Man, that’s great. Brings a tear to my eye. Really great stuff. Hey, where ya goin’? I didn’t even explain the song “He’s a Heterosexual” to ya yet!!! Oh well… if George Lucas ever decides to fuck up the Hell Comes to Your House compilation LP, i’d be cool with him sticking any two of these songs on the second side—however, i think Fast Mattress must only be a twin size, as three is pretty much a crowd here. BEST SONG: “Hot Boyfriend” BEST SONG TITLE: “Inappropriate Itch” FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: Scott thanks the city of Cleveland, Budweiser™ beer, and all those who serve it to him ice cold and promptly.

 –norb (no label)