FAST BOYS: RockNRoll Trash: CD

Mar 04, 2010

…meaning no disrespect to anybody up or down the food chain, but i’m kinda viewing the whole Poison Arrows/Cute Lepers fatal OD thing as kind of the Altamont for this kind of music ((and when i say “this kind of music,” i apparently mean some kind of post-Exploding Hearts punk/glam/rock & roll dealie-do where everyone has tight pants, studded belts, chain wallets, and creepers. And really nice guitars. Oh, and hair brushes, too)). I mean, the Poison Arrows played in Green Bay about a week before that whole deal went down, and, even then, you could tell that people were just sort of…i dunno, for want of a better word, smirking at the whole Renaissance Faire aspect of the whole deal. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not an inherently bad look—hell, i freely admit that if i could honestly pull off the whole “looking like a Bay City Roller as drawn by John Holmstrom” look, i’d probably do it, too—it just doesn’t seem like this is the way productive, vital cogs in the rock’n’roll bioorganism look right now, it seems, at this second, that it’s more like people being tethered to/frozen into whatever aesthetic template they decided was Boss and Gear after they heard “Guitar Romantic” or something ((and if OD-gate is this music’s Altamont, i’m thinking the Exploding Hearts tragic van crash is more like Elvis going into the Army than it is Buddy Holly’s plane going down, but these analogies are beginning to verge into the realm of the pointlessly insensitive so fuck it)). Anyway, enough high level shit. I neither hate nor wish to hate this record, but, for the cry-yi, could you POSSIBLY have thought of a more generic band name? And could you POSSIBLY have come up with a more generic album title?? I mean, i’d be depressed if i found out that “Fast Boys” and “RockNRoll Trash” were anything other than the result of some software program designed to scientifically and mathematically calculate the most generic possible results to the queries of “CREATE BAND NAME” and “GENERATE ALBUM TITLE.” Still, this record isn’t bad—it’s rehashed, generic and overplayed, but it still isn’t bad—and in between the mewling about “rock ‘n’ roll trash” and—i dunno, was it “Main Street” or “The Boulevard” or am i just assuming there’s a song that mentions “Main Street” or “The Boulevard” because it would be some kinda violation otherwise?—there are a few sorta memorable tunes ((“Wanderer” appears to mention a jukebox, “Grown Up Blues” is kinda good, and “Won’t Let Me Kiss Her” would be really good except that it’s sorta wrecked by some, frankly, awful backup vocals)) and the album does seem to pick up steam as it shambles along…but that plug is swiftly pulled when the band opts to include, for whatever reason, a humdrum cover of “New Rose” towards the end of side two. DUDES, WHAT THE FUCK??? You don’t cover a fuckin’ completely ubiquitous punk classic on your album! Ya put something like that on the b-side of a three-song 45! What’s your big idea for the next record, start side one off with “Blitzkrieg Bop???” I mean, JESUS! Couldn’t you even hit us up with “So Messed Up” or something??? You gotta do the HIT??? What fuckin’ RockSchool did YOU fail outta??? Well anyway…yeah. Pretty Boy, Nasty, Cocoa, Fitz and Mikey, i salute you: “RockNRoll Trash” is officially the first record of this genre’s post-Altamont era. Good luck with that. BEST SONG: “Won’t Let Me Kiss Her” minus the bad backing vocals. DUMBEST SONG TITLES: “Fast Boys DTK” “Rock N’ Roll Trash” “Late Nights” “Gettin’ Off” FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: “Recorded at Crystal Rain in South Carolina by a mullett (sic) -headed jackass”

 –norb (Zodiac Killer)