DIONNA: Avenue X: CD

May 28, 2014

When I was fourteen or fifteen, the act of buying a new record was an instance of titanic financial and emotional investment. Like most kids that age, I generally felt pretty shitty and was staking a huge chunk of my liquid assets and also my complete short-term emotional well-being on the supposition that the record purchased was gonna SAVE MY FUCKING SOUL. Almost everything I had was riding on the wager that THIS RECORD WOULD BE SO FUCKING FANTASTIC that it would change my life immediately; my problems wouldn’t disappear, but they would be rendered irrelevant. My life would take a new and awesome quantum leap this way or that, and, once that occurred, pretty much everything else could kiss my ass. I’m thinking of the times when I dropped the needle in the groove of “Rock & Roll Girl” or “Cretin Hop” for the first time— HUGE, life-changing events, never to be repeated. I’m not sure why some horny loner fourteen or fifteen year old kid would buy this CD—other than the fact that there’s a girl dressed in nothing but an American flag and a goofy hat on the cover—but, if one did, and he plopped it on his music-producing device, glum and alienated and forlorn, and the first thing he heard was some punky rock diva growling “I WISH SOMEONE WOULD FUCK ME… TONIGHT!!!”—would it be one of those massive, life-changing events for him, where the virtual presence of some imaginary kindred soul suddenly shed light in the darkness of insanity? Would he bond to this record in the manner of how feral wiener dogs raised by mallards don’t know they’re not ducks? I think it’s possible. If not, I feel no shame in giving it the benefit of the doubt. I, of course, am too old and jaded to imagine I am anything but a feral wiener dog, so I think this mostly sounds like what I imagine L7 would have sounded like if Rod Swenson would have managed them and wrote their songs instead of doing similarly unto the Plasmatics. The one exception to this is “Come Home,” which reminds me that no matter how much “I wish someone would fuck me tonight” the punky rock starlets hit ya with, in the end, they all really only wanna sing “Me and Bobby McGee” anyhoo. Oh well, best of luck with the fucking, dearie. BEST SONG: “Tonight.” MOST PLASMATICS-LIKE SONG TITLE: “4:20 24/7.” FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: Marky Ramone plays drums on three songs on this record, but it sounds kinda like he was never in the same room with anyone else in the band when recording his drums…kinda like the instrumental break in “Dream Lover” by the Plasmatics! AHA! THE SMOKING GUN!!! 

 –norb (Rokarola)