DARLINGTON: Moron-a-Thon: CD

…if i ever ran a Pop-Punk Whorehouse – and who’s to say i don’t already do so? – i think one of the hapless johns i’d invoke my one-way-mirror privileges on would be Christy Darlington. I’m not sure why. The guy just always struck me as “interesting.” Not “interesting” as in i’d like to sit him down and ask him a bunch of deep and philosophical questions just to help slake mine own thirst for knowledge kinda interesting, but “interesting” like a big dragonfly with its brains turned to bubblegum on your front window still buzzing and writhing around kinda interesting. I mean, it just seems like the dentist gave him the Loony Gas as a child, and no one ever thought to turn it off. Oh, to be sure, the album starts off deceptively underneath the looniness radar, with a buncha “serious” type numbers seemingly aimed at currying favor with the latter-day Connie Dungs sales demographic; following that, things ratchet up into a suite of honest-to-young-Weasel numbers about pool parties and pajama parties and surfing in Croatia and suchlike, as if the guy could somehow simply WILL life into a long-dead shindig. Only at the tail end of the record does the TRUE Christy Darlington gibbering pervert savant-itude finally surface, as if he was ultimately unable to keep up the pretense of being a sensitive and artistic Connie Dungs pop-punker and/or a dweeb-ass “Teenage Slumber Party” regurge-a-tron for the duration of an entire compact disc. Submitted for your approval in this matter, from “ATM”: “She likes to give me head, I like to give her head/She tastes so good I’ll lick her back to front, oh yeah/No way I ain’t ashamed ‘cause I love dirty sex/I love the way she smells and how she tastes, oh yeah” and this, from “Electrocute Me”: “I’m a naughty girl, I’m a dirty girl, yeah I’m a filthy slut yeah… Well I love porno sex, I’m really hot in bed, I’m a sinner” and “I love your shorts-n-flops, I love to fingerfuck” and even “Love it when your feet R dirty/Pull your panties down I’ll lick it up yeah.” I mean, how could ya not love the guy? He’s like this hopeless pervo-dork who more than likely really believes that If He Sings It, They Will Come. And then, of course, he will as well – even though Science says one’ll get infinitely more pussy singing about how one enjoys slapping women up than one will by pledging one’s eternal selfless devotion servicing the Temple of Squack in song. Dunno why that is. Probably because chicks are stupid. Almost as stupid as guys. However, luckily, with Christy Darlington on our side, we’ll never relinquish our slight edge in the matter!!! Booyah!!! BEST SONG: “ATM” BEST SONG TITLE: “Electrocute Me” FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: Darlington were originally known as “The Mess,” but they weren’t the same The Mess you’re thinking of.

–norb (Stardumb)