CRUMBS, THE: Hold That Shit Right!: CD

…if the Crumbs woulda kept on with that Farfisa™ thing, they would’ve fuckin’ ruled the last half of the pop-punk ‘90s. Just fuckin’ kicked everybody else’s ass. They were neither terribly original nor astoundingly proficient, but they were good enough – kind of like an early-ish Screeching Weasel plus rock & roll plus those kinda sing-song melodies the Jockstrap Murphys would later do whiz-bang business with plus maybe a little upbeat Dead Boys-type guitar mischief for good measure – and, of course, they had the singer with the Peruvian accent that all the chicks found soooo unbearably precious – thus all they had to do was stick that goddamn Farfisa™ in the mix for keeps, and it’s swimming pools and movie stars, forever and ever, amen. But they didn’t, and now an evil man is president!!! Learn from this experience, children, lest you be doomed to repeat it! That aside, this package gathers together the tracks from the Spaghetti & Schlitz™ 10” (including the almighty “Farfisa™ Song,” which is actually called… let me see… “Get All Tangled Up,” i think. What a stupid name. They should have called it “The Farfisa™ Song,” like everybody else did) and some singles and stuff – i’d be more specific, but the origins of the tracks are so poorly documented in the packaging that i’d hafta read thru about six members’ various liner note reminiscences to scrape together all the data, and wouldn’t anybody who thought they really needed this stuff already have it anyway? Next off, this shoulda been released as Spaghetti & Schlitz (which is actually called… let me see… Get All Tangled Up, i think. What a stupid name. They should have called it The Spaghetti & Schlitz™ 10-inch, like everybody else did) + 10 or something, for two reasons: 1) The original Spaghetti and Schlitz™ cover photo kicked ass, and 2) that would mandate that the eight songs off the 10-inch occupy the first eight slots on the disc, WHICH WOULD BE REALLY HANDY, BECAUSE THE OTHER TEN SONGS ON THIS DISC ARE SO FRICKING QUIET AS TO BE LITERALLY PRACTICALLY INAUDIBLE, and if they were all buried at the end, the end user would only be required to get up and crank the volume (by like 800% or something) on one occasion. I mean, i’ve been responsible for more than my share of recordings with variable sound levels (“Sheena’s Got a Microwave,” anyone?) but THIS is fucking RIDICULOUS. It sounds like this: whisper whisper whisper whisper RRAAHHRR RRRAHHHR RAAHHHRRR RRAAHHHRRR whisper whisper whisper. I kinda fail to see how no one noticed this beforehand. All i can say is that it’s a darn good thing this disc isn’t called COMPILE That Shit Right! BEST SONG: The Farfisa Song! BEST SONG TITLE: “Dothan, Pill City, USA” FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: Worst Tommy Roe cover ever!

 –norb (Recess)