Commercials Suck More: By Nighthawk

Jan 17, 2008

          Everyone reading this watches T.V., well at least I hope they do. It’s one of the best things you can do to pass the time; I mean, you just sit there, drinking beer, and stare at a box. Pretty cool. Whether you have basic television, cable, or satellite, you know what your options are. I personally have satellite. Something like 250 channels. But guess what, even with that many channels, there’s still always “nothing on.” T.V. sucks! Sure, you have your favorite programs. You also have certain channels that you like to check out, to see what they want you to watch at that particular time. Sometimes though, there really is nothing you want to watch. But what do you do? That’s right; KEEP WATCHING! Why, because you’re fucking lazy. I know I am, so don’t be a liar. So we’re set on the fact that we all keep watching NO MATTER WHAT. This is just my introduction to my first ever Razorcake article. I’m about to get taint deep in what is the point of this whole article. Here we go, if you want to.

            What’s worse than all the fucking bullshit programs on T.V.? Most definitely, the fucking commercials. I understand completely the two points of commercials: 1) to give money to the channel on which the commercial airs, and to try to get you and me—the viewers—to buy their fucking products. Pretty simple, really. Not to mention that programs can’t just run continuously without breaks. If they did, they’d be called movies on movie channels. That’s a whole ‘nother situation in itself. There’s a reason that Simpsons episodes are only really eighteen minutes long: COMMERCIALS! And sometimes (well, all of the time really), the re-runs of the really good episodes, which would include most of them, are cut even shorter causing people who know the episodes word for word to get really fucking pissed off when certain dialogue gets cut out. But this isn’t the point of any of this article. The point is that commercials run T.V. Without them, there probably wouldn’t be any T.V. But are they really terrible all together? NO!

            While most commercials, or ‘mercies as I call them, do totally suck, there are some pretty good ones. Let’s go over those first; the “good” commercials. We are all familiar with the really good commercials of the past. If you’re not, just turn on TV Land® and you’ll eventually see a Retromercial®. ‘Nuff said on that shit. More recently, a really good commercial that comes to mind (or off my piece of paper right in front of me), and it’s for Snickers®. I know you know what I’m writing about. It takes place at a gas station and a Viking is filling up his rigg (what we call a motor vehicle at Dudes Magazine). Then, a pilgrim comes out and tells him there aren’t any Snickers® bars, and the Viking is pissed, so he picks up a trash can and throws it across the lot and it hits a car. BOSS! Or as Rev. Nørb would say, “BOFF!” Then, the pilgrim tells the Viking that he got Snickers® with dark chocolate ‘cause there weren’t any regular, and the Viking picks up another T-Can and throws it at the same rigg ‘cause now he’s excited. And it hits it again! AWESOME! See, now that’s great advertising. There’s just something about a Viking throwing trash cans at a car in a gas station parking lot. I’ll admit, it hasn’t made me buy a Snickers®, but I never have. I just don’t eat nuts. I just lick ‘em. I believe there’s another similar commercial for the same candy bar company that involves the same premise, and it too is also BOFF!

            Since there are way more horrible commercials than good ones, I’m going to mention more of those. First off, we have exhibit A: a minivan full of housewives trying to run down the Burger King. WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?!? Even if you don’t eat at The Broiler (which is mind-boggling, unless you’re a vegan [which is also mind-boggling]), you should be able to see why this commercial is TOTAL CRAP! The King never did anything to hurt anybody, except move his patrons closer to having coronaries. And in this day in age, coronaries are almost inevitable, especially in the ‘good ole U.S. of A. Anyway, just because these fucking whores (excuse me for being anatomically correct) can’t make as many lunches for their families because they lost out to the great flame-broiled goodness, that doesn’t give them the right to try and run down the goddamn King. Fuck them and fuck their damn mini-van. And, for the record, I haven’t eaten at BK® more or less than normal because of this commercial.

            Exhibit B: motherfuckers moving along like they’re not human, paying for everything with their god-fucking-damn credit cards. I’m not referring to any particular instance, just all of them in general. Not to mention, the fucking muzak that’s playing in the background is TERRIBLO (Spanish for terrible). Betcha didn’t know I was bi-lingual. Then comes along this poor fucker with CASH. Unfuckingheard of! How dare this Dude pay for anything with cash! Don’t you know that you’ve slowed down the Wheel of Fuck Heads? Well, you have. God forbid someone doesn’t always fucking use a piece of plastic to pay for shit. If these card-wielding assholes didn’t want to get held up at the fucking crapachino shop, maybe they should have made fucking coffee at home. Thank you.

            Exhibit C: the anti-pot commercials. We all know that you don’t wanna do as much with yourself when you’re ripped on some good greens. So why do you feel the need to remind us, people who paid for this shit? Probably because you wanna make us feel even worse about ourselves. Sounds like foreshadowing for Exhibit D. Personally, I don’t smoke weed anymore. I quit so I could be involved in medical studies that pay really well. But I still am offended by every one of these sorry-ass commercials. For instance, the one with the dog that talks to the girl. DOGS CAN’T TALK! But some suits in an office somewhere think so. So don’t get high, or your dog will talk to you. If there was a way to make animals talk to you, I would do whatever it was that needed to be done to get there. If anything, these commercials might make people smoke more weed. How many people don’t want to talk to dogs? It’s a low number, whatever it is. Great work, anti-pot people.

          Exhibit D: TRUTH. Really I don’t have to say anymore. But I will. Just ‘cause. Now I have smoked since I was like thirteen or fourteen. Around the same time I started drinking. Catholic school works wonders. Naturally, I’m gonna hate anti-smoking commercials. Several, and I do mean several, times I have actually (and almost successfully) quit smoking. At these times, I STILL HATED TRUTH COMMERCIALS! Not because I had smoked before, but because the commercials SUCK! I don’t even have to cite any one of them in particular, ‘cause guess what? They all suck. Especially the ones with the dorky guy in the glasses trying to ask sarcastic-types of questions to tobacco peeps. Give me a fucking break already. Go fuck yourself, dickhead! I bet he smokes cigarettes, too. We all know that smoking can kill you, but guess what? It’s not fucking stopping anybody. If it weren’t for smokers, companies that make the patches and the gums would be out of business. We have to buy cigarettes, to help THEM. When I quit smoking again (‘cause I know I will), it won’t be because of the damn TRUTH commercials. It’ll be because I wanna taste the gum. Now if you’ll excuse me, I am going to have a cigarette before I wrap this fucker up.

            In closing, I will first say that I WILL NEVER QUIT WATCHING T.V. Because it’s easy to do. Also, I’m not much of a reader. There, I said it. I don’t read books. SORRY! T.V. gives you plenty to talk about; why a certain show is or is not on at a certain time over another one. And, how dumb all and everything on T.V. is. Especially the fucking commercials. So remember one thing (really two things), T.V. sucks, but COMMERCIALS SUCK MORE!