BIONIC: Self-titled: LP

The vinyl on this record is fucking amazing. It’s about as thick as like four regular LPs all Krazy Glued together, like a bright blue (with radiating white bowling ball streaky things!) poker chip blown up to like 8x or something. I actually can’t put the fucking thing down, i spin it on my finger, twirl it around, just sorta heft it – it’s funner to play WITH the record than actually play it, although immediately after the unreasonably brilliant opening track, “C’mon C’mon,” i was thinking things like “I HAVE SEEN THE FUTURE OF STONER ROCK AND IT HATH COME IN THE FORM OF A GIGANTIC BLUE POKER CHIP!” and other pimply hyperbole. I mean, during the first song, i was, no shit, beginning to entertain notions of getting the TV/UPC/eyeball-headed brain-stomached tentacle-appendaged alien life form depicted on the cover tattooed on my back, so great was my blown-awayment! I shit you not: One would swear it was the Figgs playing grunge. In point of fact, i was, for a time, so SURE that it actually WAS the Figgs playing grunge, as some sort of prank side-project (just as the Hanson Bros. occasionally masquerade as some other trivial band, just to show they can do it), that i scoured every inch of the packaging for some tell-tale fingerprints to indict Gent and Donnelly with, only to find that if you hold side A so the label name reads left-to-right, “Boss Tuneage” is at the top and the song titles read down-to-up, but if you hold side B so the label name reads left-to-right, “Boss Tuneage” is at the bottom and the song titles read up-to-down (if you can figure out how that’s my smoking gun, i’m all ears, Watson). In any event, by song two, my enthusiasm (and surety of Figgs-involvement) was beginning to dampen slightly, and i thought that perhaps i’d merely have a contest whereby OTHER people would get the alien tattooed on their back, and send me Polaroids™, and win a prize or something, and by track three or four i had lost interest entirely, never to return. I mean, dude, it’s GRUNGE (unless they don’t call grunge “grunge” any more [for all i know, they call it “hardcore.” nothing can surprise me where that term is involved these days after i heard it applied to fucking Snapcase, who are about as hardcore as… oh, i don’t know, Bionic i guess], in which case i guess it’s whatever they say it is), and has anyone besides me ever noticed that grunge bands (or current contemporary variant thereof, God save us all) never “quote” (used here in the newfangled postmodern sense of “knowingly evoking stylistic similarities to”) anything other than those things that, by their mere inclusion in the genre, they are PRE-SUPPOSED TO QUOTE MERELY BY DINT OF THEIR VERY EXISTENCE? I mean, think about it (if you want). BEST SONG: “C’mon C’mon”  BEST SONG TITLE “Peavey Youth”  FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT (apart from the fact that they spelled “Peavey” correctly): Track #6 is, in fact, called “Six.” It’s genius in our time! (or is it merely the Circle Jerks fifth album??)

 

 –norb (Boss Tuneage)