BERT SUSANKA: Onward Christian Slater: CD

Sep 19, 2007

This is what people who came of age in the Upper Midwest™—and therefore took the Replacements “Tim” and “Pleased To Meet Me” albums as emotionally resonant collections of wry lamentations and bittersweet celebrations of our uniquely desperate dead end existences—imagine to be the type of thing that people who live in Southern California take to be an emotionally resonant collection of wry lamentations and bittersweet celebrations of their uniquely desperate dead end existences, except that we also imagine that they all drive around listening to KROQ all day, and the weather is always nice, and the females are attractive and abundant, so they shouldn’t really be all that desperate, which is why they substitute “cute” and “clever” for “emotionally resonant.” It also kinda reminds me of Frank Zappa, in that it appears to be the work of some intellectual sort who is operating under the misconception that i have an infinite amount of time blocked off to sit around and listen to him be brilliant. Most of the songs sound like the type of thing that you get pre-loaded to your hard drive when you buy a new Dell® computer, and you listen to out of curiosity, and go “huh, that wasn’t all that bad—kind of interesting, really” so, you know, there you go. The second track is called “I’m Going Fishing” and the thirteenth track is called “Let’s Go Fishing,” which strikes me as the biggest sequencing gaffe since the first Rolling Stones album put “Now I’ve Got a Witness” a few songs ahead of “Can I Get a Witness.” Huh. BEST SONG: “Onward Christian Slater” BEST SONG TITLE: “The Trip That Needed to Be Took” FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: “The Trip That Needed to Be Took” is the first song i am aware of to feature the line “And who would be there? Norbie! And worse yet, it was his birthday” although i’m really not sure why that line doesn’t crop up more often. SUPER ULTRA FANTASTIC AMAZING TRIVIA FACT: The “Norbie” in the song is run into at a place called “Pasquale’s.” Amazingly, i ate at a place called “Pasquale’s” on my birthday last week. Doo DOO doo doo Doo DOO doo doo…

 –norb (Cornerstone RAS)

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