Ask Miss Namella: You’re Too Anti-Social to Call the Suicide Hotline

Welcome to the inaugural advice column that probably will be voted most likely to cause more harm than good. My name is Miss Namella J. Kim. I’ve been a Razorcake contributor since its inception and have been an active member of the Los Angeles music community for over twelve years now. I hate to toot my own horn but I’ve done just about everything you can imagine from interviewing bands, managing bands, being in bands, booking tours for bands, sleeping with bands (yes, sometimes the entire band), doing merch for bands, fighting on behalf or with bands, designing graphics for bands, talking about bands on the radio, hosting a cable access show about bands, etc. You get the idea.

Since Todd and I go way back to the Flipside years, he was intrigued when I came forth with this idea, “an advice column for our readers, those with discerning taste when it comes to punk rock, literature, and art, but can’t seem to find anyone to talk to about a problem that’s plaguing them.” There are so many choices when it comes to an advice column, why the hell would you want to ask me? Well, to put it simply, I’ve been through it A-L-L honey. I told you what I did with bands, now just imagine the kind of life I must live. It had its high and its lows and everything in between.

Todd’s been writing my contact info in pencils for YEARS, honey. I’m still learning and growing each day, but if I could take the time to lend an ear to someone going through a tough time, I would think of it as my personal “MY NAME IS EARL” good deed done that I can cross off my own karmic checklist. This column was originally slated to be a sex column, and since it is a prevalent topic in modern society and I am considered a foremost authority on the matter, I am definitely going to be spending a lot of time covering it, but if there are any questions about life in general, feel free to shoot it over my way. Nothing is off limits. We’ll be covering all sorts of topics from employment, mental health, substance abuse, legal advice, court procedures, renter’s rights, etiquette, friendships, relationships, get rich quick schemes, religion, etc.

The opinions expressed in this column is that of the author and does not warrant, represent, nor indemnify Razorcake, Gorsky Press, its staff, its affiliates or its advertisers, especially the male segment of the above mentioned. Reader discretion is advised. Please have some eyewash handy if you’re easily disturbed by sexually corrupt, criminally deviant, or politically incorrect language and/or images.

Our first question comes from “Anal Berserker” from Oakland, CA.

Q: Dear Miss Namella,

How soon is TOO SOON for anal sex?

A: Dear Anal or would you prefer Mr. Berserker?,

It’s never too soon. Anal is just the way to go these days. Everyone knows how to do it and there are plenty of books and informative resources out there that can lead the way to anal bliss. Visit http://www.puckerup.com/, the website from Tristan Taormino, author of The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women (Cleis Press). The stigma once attached to anal sex is now gone thanks to the porno industry’s “anal wave” of the last decade. It’s now considered very commonplace.

The first time I had anal I was like twenty-five…I waited since I thought giving my anal cherry to the man who was going to marry me was a special treat and romantic in a quasi-old fashioned way. Yes, it hurt like a bitch. I mean my asshole was swollen for days. Bowel movements were like totally tearing it up more. I was like, “How the fuck do gay people take it up the ass all the damned time???” Well, I found that I had answered my own question. Just do it all the time, any chance you get. Find some time out of your busy day to stick a cucumber up there for a few while you’re doing your nails or brushing your teeth. It makes penetration so much easier and the swelling just ceases every time you revisit Analville.

Oh yeah, so to answer your question with some questions: did you ASK her? It’s kind of hot to hear a man ask, “You like it up the ass, sweetie?” in the middle of a heated round of sexual Olympics. Is she someone you’re dating? If not, how drunk is she? I mean, the first time I did it I was drunk—and being DRUNK is a key to relaxing and relaxing is really the secret to anal. How does she respond to manual anal play? Can she take one finger? How about two? Three??? I think we know deep down inside that when two consenting adult start engaging in sex—anything really goes these days. Just make sure she’s CONSENTING or she’s so beyond fucked up that she’ll never recognize you in a police line up (shame on you if you go this route, but I’ve heard it happens). Happy fucking!

 

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