Appeasing That Elderly Desire for Cigarettes: Time to Start Smoking Again, Gramps

Mar 17, 2004

An amazing idea has come to me to help the tobacco industry. Yes, I said help them. They have really taken a beating. Much like the makers of Little Debbie snack treats and McDonald's will soon be getting in the next few years with a litany of fat dudes claiming they weren't warned about eating too much junk food.

Anyway, my idea came to me when I saw this guy smoking a cigarette outside of Walgreen's. I guess he was waiting to get one last puff before he went in to buy his prescriptions. It looked really odd and then I realized why it looked so odd. Old people have for the most part stopped smoking. Many of them quit after their first or second heart attack when they were in their 50's. But now they are in their 80's and 90's. They have survived, beaten the odds, and lived beyond the median life expectancy. And all that time they lived they had not been able to smoke. I'm assuming it was something they truly loved. And yet, they have denied themselves all those years.

I think that if you have lived that long and you're in your late 70's, 80's, or 90's, celebrate by visiting an old friend: nicotine. That's right, strike a match and reintroduce yourself to your old friend Lucky. Think of all those guys and gals that fought World War II; they would walk a mile for a Camel. Now they can't walk much at all but they can still enjoy a Camel. If you have managed to beat the odds you should enjoy the last years like you did the earlier years. Smoke and enjoy it. You'll never live to get cancer from it.

I can see it now. There will be a whole movement within the AARP for Senior Citizen smoking rights. Not only will they be gathered at McDonald's at dawn for their free cup of coffee, but they'll be demanding to be able to smoke inside for fear of catching pneumonia out in the cold. The cigarette tax will vanish because as the baby boomers get older they will start to vote for people that promise to cut that tax and place it on something they don't use.

I can't wait to see that old anti-smoking poster remade of the old lady with a butt in her mouth that read, "Smoking is glamorous". Instead it will be a Pall Mall reds ad that says, "Hey, you already look like this, you might as well have a Pall Mall."

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